Reaching Across the Uterus
Politics pops up in the oddest places. And like a song that gets stuck in your head, it refuses to be ignored.
“She’s having my baby…” That’s the one I’ve been humming lately because my husband Gary and I are taking the plunge into full-on parenthood and, at age 46, some would say we’re crazy. Piper, our three year old, is in every meaningful sense of the word, our daughter. But legally she only has two parents, and they are her mothers. With many options before us, Gary and I choose surrogacy.
Inviting a “team” to help you have a baby is not as nontraditional as some may think. As Hillary said, “it takes a village.” But our lack of girl-parts makes the process an e-ticket ride to say the least. Every person I have spoken with about their experience with surrogacy has said that the relationship you form with the surrogate mother, clinically referred to as the carrier, is unique, emotionally overpowering and absolutely specific to the individuals involved. Amen to that.
What I didn’t count on was falling for a carrier of the republican persuasion. I am about as political as a gay-lawyer-activist can be. It is funny that when Gary and I were looking at the profiles of egg donors and gestational carriers, political affiliation wasn’t even a consideration. We were looking for all the elements of a person that demonstrate trust, love and happiness. For us, politics didn’t enter into it, until recently.
Suzanna, our carrier, lives in rural North Carolina with her husband Jonathan. She is everything and more that we could have hoped for in a surrogate. She is direct and at peace with surrendering her parental rights when the child is born. She has an absolutely beautiful smile and laugh that are the signs of a person who is loved and supported. She has two wonderful, healthy children who Gary and I fell in love with instantaneously and, best of all, she has a sense of humor about the process.
When we first met, Jonathan kidded about looking forward to someone touching Suzanna’s pregnant belly and asking, “when is she due?” Jonathan relished at the prospect of answering, “I dunno, it’s not mine.” Then Suzanna said, “Yea, then I can say, don’t look at me, it’s not mine either.”
But recently, Suzanna forwarded to us one of those anti-Obama emails that have made the rounds misrepresenting his positions on several issues and taking out-of-context shots at his voting record. I know that some people forward emails without reading them completely. I also know that we never talked politics up until that moment, but one of the misrepresentations in the letter was that Obama supported gay marriage and John McCain did not. Well… Deep breath…
KNEE JERK – I sat down at the computer and typed for over an hour. After I pressed send, I thought to myself, “Oh shit, I just lost our carrier.” I don’t think Suzanna expected a two-page response debunking the email she sent, with citations to accurate information and a personal note asking why she would think Gary and I would support anyone who would not support our marriage, which was a key factor in her choosing to work with us in the first place.
To Suzanna’s credit, she sent one of the most thoughtful and detailed responses, acknowledging that she had not completely read through what she had sent, and apologizing for any distress that it may have caused us. She then laid out her positions on a number of issues, she disagrees with the conservatives about marriage equality – thank God, and demonstrated the intelligence and the spirit that Gary and I were drawn to when we first read her profile and went to North Carolina to meet. All of the sudden, we were talking politics. And I loved it.
I have always believed in communication, about equality and about politics. But when it comes to family, even nontraditional family, it’s tough. Now, Suzanna and Jonathan know how we feel, and more importantly, we know how they feel. Agreement is not always possible, and when people are on opposite sides of the political fence, it is often rare. But agreement isn’t a prerequisite for communication. And as Suzanna and Jonathan are now a part of “the village,” there is no reason to stay silent.
I originally published this article in 2008 after working on the Obama campaign but I am revisiting it now because there are so many paralells to the misinformation that has been spread in the current political climate. I hope that you find something meaningful here.
May 30, 2017 -To share your personal story, please visit timeforfamilies.com.