The Road to Adoption: Patiently Waiting to Exhale
The Road to Adoption: Patiently Waiting to Exhale
When my partner, Anthony, and I started our journey on the road to adoption, many of our friends forgot I had already been on the road for the past 32 years as I was adopted when I was 1.5 years old. The adopting side is a totally different experience with decisions I had not initially expected. Our first decision focused on whether we should go it alone, get a 1-800 red bat-phone line, hire an adoption lawyer, promote our profile though ads in newspapers and websites and do all our own outreach, etc. or solicit the assistance and experience of an adoption agency?
Initially, the choice between the two seemed difficult to make until we started adding up the time needed for proper outreach to make the appropriate connections with potential birthmothers, not to mention answering the ’24/7 red bat phone’. Even as a person of adoption and a professional actor with 12 years of experience, the bat phone scared me the most. “What do I ask? How do I respond? What are the right answers? Are there any right answers?” I know I could look up a list of questions to ask from the internet and have that list with me at home, at work, on the go, etc. I’m also sure our lawyer would guide us as to what is legally allowable and what is not. But would we remember all that at 3:30am? Language and honesty would prevail, but what about experience? Dare we risk it for a comparatively nominal fee when you factor the on-call hours, research and self-promotion? It was like we navigated onto a one-way road and just as we turned on our favorite song to jam along, we saw a caravan of cars barreling toward us. Time to pull a quick 180. We felt that the agency’s experience in working with the potential birthmother would be invaluable and balance the cost immeasurably, not to mention the guidance, resources, time and professional support on several levels that would be provided to us as first-timers.
Now, which agency do we go with? After some homework in researching LGBT friendly agencies in the northeast, we were lucky in that we had options. Over the course of a year and during some serious adoption discussions with friends, Friends in Adoption (FIA) came up several times. We even secured a great reference as one of my co-workers and his partner were adopting through FIA. They could not praise the agency enough. At that point, how many signs did we need? We decided to book a “Getting Acquainted Weekend” (GAW) at the agency’s home base in Vermont. The weekend gives you an opportunity to get to know the agency and its staff, discuss how the program works, ask questions (all of them) and hear from adoptive parents and birthmothers who placed with agency. A quaint, relaxing weekend in the country at rustic bed and breakfast. Quaint, absolutely. Relaxing, well, I will get to that later. “Let’s book it!”
Upon calling the agency we were informed they were already at capacity for same-sex couples. One would think, “Great, first roadblock of many for same-sex couples.” We asked, “What does that mean exactly?” We were informed that they placed ‘x’ number of children per year and they controlled the number of families they worked with based on past placements. We were asked to call back in a few months and see if there was a spot available. Who knew we would get practice in waiting even before we picked an agency? It was an opportune time to start developing and working on a website and practice my new meditations.
In discussing the process with our friends and informing them of our progress, I said, “We have to call back and see if there is a same-sex opening and then book the info weekend that would then give us the opportunity to sign with the agency if we so choose. And here I thought getting a NYC theatre agent was hard.” Instead of laughing many people were shocked, baffled and thought it was absurd. “Aren’t you paying them? You should look for another agency.” My simple reply was, “Absolutely not, this is the type of agency we were hoping to find.” We went on to explain how working with an agency that controlled numbers fairly and honestly is exactly what we wanted. I have read a few horror stories of agencies taking same-sex couples’ money and putting them on the bottom of the perspective adoptive parents list or not on the list at all. With 30 years of statistical information, FIA knew how many couples and singles of heterosexual and same-sex variety they could honestly work with at any given time. This also keeps any specific demographic from being in the program too long. I am positive this has led to their continued success and respectability within the adoption services community.
Fast forward two quick months. Anthony was planning my birthday weekend, which usually involves a road trip. He asked if I was free, as if I had planned something that did not include him. I was not told where we were going, but it was two months away. What could it be? I think two minutes passed before I found the number to FIA and was on the phone asking the date of the next GAW. Bingo! It happened to be on my birthday weekend. What I had not planned on was FIA asking my name. Do I give a fake name or hang up? Neither, because I was too excited and said I was Ricky of Ricky & Anthony. They said not to worry and our confirmation would be coming in an email soon. Thirty minutes later Anthony called asking if I contacted FIA. “What are you talking about?” I asked. He said, “Because I received an email to MY email address in response to YOUR call.” Oops, I should have gone with a pseudo-name. I was never the type of person to open presents before Christmas and then re-wrap them, but this time I could not wait to find out and impatience prevailed. Plus think of all the questions with a mere eight weeks to research and prepare. The eight weeks flew by and Anthony reminded me that my practice in patience needed to increase from here on in, not decrease.
Needless to say, the weekend was informative and heartfelt but without much sleep as we considered the countless pitfalls and infinite number of possible scenarios. Relaxing this weekend was not. Even though we did not have to sign with FIA that weekend, we felt a good connection and were first in line for a Sunday morning consultation appointment. In hindsight the time was well worth the wait and we had our properly timed spot. To think we could have sped toward an agency that accepted anyone and whose primary interest is securing the next deposit. Suffice to say, we lucked out. Our paperwork, profile, clearances and home study were processed in a record six weeks and we were approved about a month later. Now we can start the real waiting process. My advice for this period is simple. Do everything that you wanted to do before you are blessed with children. Make a list, read those books, exercise, socialize, learn to meditate on patience, get lots of sleep and fulfill those carnal desires. That last piece of advice was listed in EVERY parenting book I have read so far.
It has been less than 6 months with FIA and already we feel like we have found our forever extended family, minus our crying, eating, peeing, pooping machine. Thank you for helping us to discover the right road and patiently guiding us to enjoy each step along the way!
All the best,
Ricky