The time I had two mommies: Being raised by a gay couple was hard in the 80s & 90s

 Daily News

By Matt Borden Thursday, July 28th 2011

You might think it strange that, as a straight man, I shed tears of joy when I learned that same-sex marriage was coming to New York. Even I was taken aback by my own reaction, because for me and my wife, life won’t be much different. However, as one of the millions of people who were raised, or partially raised, by a gay couple, I felt indescribable relief knowing that the stigmatization I experienced as a child will (hopefully) not be an issue for future generations.

I am a child of famously liberal Manhattan, but growing up in the ’80s and ’90s with a gay mother was not easy. For all of New York’s diversity, it was still a homophobic place. Gay people were tolerated only as long as they lived a marginalized Greenwich Village existence. Gay bashing on Saturday nights was such a frequent occurrence that a militant advocacy group called the Pink Panthers walked around the West Village wearing shirts that said “Bash Back” to those at risk. Gay families weren’t welcome at PTA meetings or soccer games.

Of course, no friends of mine had parents who were gay – everyone knew that gay people didn’t have children. They couldn’t even adopt in New York State until 2002. So what did that make me? Legally, at least, I didn’t exist.

When my mother began her relationship with another woman in 1988, Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell were still kissing men in movies, and Mariel Hemingway was but a twinkle in Roseanne’s eye. The seeming normalcy of “Will and Grace” was still a decade away. George Michael, now openly gay, was a heartthrob for teenage girls.

Soon after they started dating, my mom partner’s moved in with us, and although we never talked about what was happening, I knew that my family was different. My father lived across town, and even though he had joint custody and I saw him every other day, I never told him about my mom, fearing that the government would find out and deem her an unfit parent.

I kept the relationship secret from my friends, too. When my mom and her partner held hands in public, I cringed in discomfort and made them promise not to do it in front of me. I feel embarrassed to admit it now, but when people came over to my house and my mom’s partner was present, she always had to pretend to be a roommate or a friend – I didn’t care what, really, but the truth had to be concealed at all costs. I even refused to go to their commitment ceremony at a Chinese restaurant in the West Village when I was 13 because it just felt too weird.

That’s the funny thing about social mores: They exert their unseen influence whether you’re aware of it or not. My mother’s happiness shouldn’t have been a burden to me, but it was. And I wasn’t alone in feeling this way. As Danielle Silber, New York chapter president of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, has said, “In middle school, because of pervasive homophobia and taunting, I didn’t tell any of my new friends in school about my family.” This stigmatization by proxy put a generation of people just like me in the closet, bearing the burden of our parents’ choices in a homophobic society.

I reluctantly “came out” about my mother’s relationship when I was 18, but only because I had developed an ulcer from keeping my life a secret, popping Tums like they were Tic Tacs. And even then, I told only those closest to me, including my father, who, in an interesting twist, informed me that he had figured the situation out years before.

Fortunately, my friends and family were supportive – and over time the shame I used to feel has completely disappeared. Now, I’m not concerned about the gender of the person my mom is with, only their shared happiness. That has as much to do with society’s progression as it does with my own personal journey.

Future sons and daughters of gay families will surely have struggles of their own. Just as the passage of civil rights legislation did not end racism, the passage of marriage equality will not end homophobia. However, victories like marriage equality will shape new attitudes and help move us toward becoming a society that prevents a new generation of children from having to face the same burdens that I faced.

I know that, right now, there is a kid somewhere with two moms or two dads who will one day soon be able to go to school and proudly announce, “My parents got married this weekend!” and no one will have anything to offer but congratulations. And that thought alone gives me hope for the future.