Holidays and Families…
“I have a granddaughter, sort of…” As the words left my mother’s mouth I had two distinct reactions: a cold shiver up my spine and a warm realization of just how far LGBT families have come in educating the world about who we really are.
First a little background. I think the cold shiver was, in part, due to whom my mom was talking. She was talking to my sister’s in-law that I had never met before. My husband Gary and I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family this year. Prior to our marriage in July, we always had Thanksgiving at his house and split up to celebrate Christmas with our respective families. After our marriage, we decided that we should be together every holiday, so we are now alternating. My mom told me, right before we left for my sister’s house, that her in-laws “had a problem” with Gary’s and my relationship.
Why is it that I still feel nervous around homophobes? I wasn’t even sure that they were homophobes, I had never met them, but I was still nervous because of what my mother said. Did she think Gary and I were going to spontaneously start some heavy petting right there on the floor? I know that many of us feel this way, and because of that feeling, we stay away from our families at Holiday times. Many of us just don’t want the added aggravation of having to defend our lives to the people who should support them the most.
And by the way, before her stroke, my mom was a vocal advocate for Gary and I. She would speak up to anyone in her small West Virginia town that said something disparaging about gay people. After the stroke, she got a little more tentative about putting herself in awkward situations, but not this time.
How we deal with our relatives is often a mirror of how we deal with our families of choice, our partners and our friends. I am lucky to have a very supportive family, but I am not immune to the word choices and vocal inflections of my mom, or my husband.
The warm feeling in reaction to my mom’s words, however, is the greatest thing in the world. You see; I am a father. I am blessed to have two wonderful friends, a lesbian couple, who were open to creating a family that does not fall into the traditional definition.
While my daughter has only two legal parents, I have surrendered my parental rights to the biological mom’s wife, she has two loving moms and two loving dads and lots of grandparents and so much love that she will never want for affection. Gary and I see my daughter a lot, about once a week. She even slept over with Gary and me the other weekend. Her moms live around the corner and we are becoming closer as friends throughout this whole process. It’s about trust and we are building it everyday.
More and more, gay parents are breaking new ground in the creation of family. Many of us don’t want the sterile and separate feeling that can accompany an unknown egg or sperm donor. All of us want to teach our children about love that is nonjudgmental and respects the lives of all involved. While many in the LGBT community celebrate love without children in the picture, it is a celebration nonetheless. And love is at the center.
I have to give my mother credit. She does have a granddaughter and she was brave enough to tell someone who may have never before heard of such a family. She said it to someone who may have judged my family as wrong somehow. But now, that person cannot ever say again that hers is the only type of family out there. I’ve got to go home for the Holidays more often!
Happiness
Anthony M. Brown