At Last, Facing Down Bullies (and Their Enablers)

June 9, 2009
18 and Under
New York Times – By PERRI KLASS, M.D.

 

Back in the 1990s, I did a physical on a boy in fifth or sixth grade at a Boston public school. I asked him his favorite subject: definitely science; he had won a prize in a science fair, and was to go on and compete in a multischool fair.

The problem was, there were some kids at school who were picking on him every day about winning the science fair; he was getting teased and jostled and even, occasionally, beaten up. His mother shook her head and wondered aloud whether life would be easier if he just let the science fair thing drop.

Bullying elicits strong and highly personal reactions; I remember my own sense of outrage and identification. Here was a highly intelligent child, a lover of science, possibly a future (fill in your favorite genius), tormented by brutes. Here’s what I did for my patient: I advised his mother to call the teacher and complain, and I encouraged him to pursue his love of science.

And here are three things I now know I should have done: I didn’t tell the mother that bullying can be prevented, and that it’s up to the school. I didn’t call the principal or suggest that the mother do so. And I didn’t give even a moment’s thought to the bullies, and what their lifetime prognosis might be.

In recent years, pediatricians and researchers in this country have been giving bullies and their victims the attention they have long deserved — and have long received in Europe. We’ve gotten past the “kids will be kids” notion that bullying is a normal part of childhood or the prelude to a successful life strategy. Research has described long-term risks — not just to victims, who may be more likely than their peers to experience depression and suicidal thoughts, but to the bullies themselves, who are less likely to finish school or hold down a job.

Next month, the American Academy of Pediatrics will publish the new version of an official policy statement on the pediatrician’s role in preventing youth violence. For the first time, it will have a section on bullying — including a recommendation that schools adopt a prevention model developed by Dan Olweus, a research professor of psychology at the University of Bergen, Norway, who first began studying the phenomenon of school bullying in Scandinavia in the 1970s. The programs, he said, “work at the school level and the classroom level and at the individual level; they combine preventive programs and directly addressing children who are involved or identified as bullies or victims or both.”

Dr. Robert Sege, chief of ambulatory pediatrics at Boston Medical Center and a lead author of the new policy statement, says the Olweus approach focuses attention on the largest group of children, the bystanders. “Olweus’s genius,” he said, “is that he manages to turn the school situation around so the other kids realize that the bully is someone who has a problem managing his or her behavior, and the victim is someone they can protect.”

The other lead author, Dr. Joseph Wright, senior vice president at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington and the chairman of the pediatrics academy’s committee on violence prevention, notes that a quarter of all children report that they have been involved in bullying, either as bullies or as victims. Protecting children from intentional injury is a central task of pediatricians, he said, and “bullying prevention is a subset of that activity.”

By definition, bullying involves repetition; a child is repeatedly the target of taunts or physical attacks — or, in the case of so-called indirect bullying (more common among girls), rumors and social exclusion. For a successful anti-bullying program, the school needs to survey the children and find out the details — where it happens, when it happens.

Structural changes can address those vulnerable places — the out-of-sight corner of the playground, the entrance hallway at dismissal time.

Then, Dr. Sege said, “activating the bystanders” means changing the culture of the school; through class discussions, parent meetings and consistent responses to every incident, the school must put out the message that bullying will not be tolerated.

So what should I ask at a checkup? How’s school, who are your friends, what do you usually do at recess? It’s important to open the door, especially with children in the most likely age groups, so that victims and bystanders won’t be afraid to speak up. Parents of these children need to be encouraged to demand that schools take action, and pediatricians probably need to be ready to talk to the principal. And we need to follow up with the children to make sure the situation gets better, and to check in on their emotional health and get them help if they need it.

How about helping the bullies, who are, after all, also pediatric patients? Some experts worry that schools simply suspend or expel the offenders without paying attention to helping them and their families learn to function in a different way.

“Zero-tolerance policies that school districts have are basically pushing the debt forward,” Dr. Sege said. “We need to be more sophisticated.”

The way we understand bullying has changed, and it’s probably going to change even more. (I haven’t even talked about cyberbullying, for example.) But anyone working with children needs to start from the idea that bullying has long-term consequences and that it is preventable.

I would still feel that same anger on my science-fair-winning patient’s behalf, but I would now see his problem as a pediatric issue — and I hope I would be able to offer a little more help, and a little more follow-up, appropriately based in scientific research.

Introducing the Family Leave Insurance Act 2009

Source: Proud Parenting

The Family Leave Insurance Act of 2009 [H.R. 1723], introduced on March 25 by four House Democrats, would amend the Family and Medical Leave Act to provide up to 12 weeks of paid leave benefits to workers who need to care for an ill family member or new child, or to treat their own illness. Along with its paid leave provisions, which CCH says drew the most attention, H.R. 1723 also would amend the Act to grant FMLA leave to employees who need to care for an ill domestic partner or the child of a domestic partner – thereby affording the protections of the FMLA to GLBT employees.

Currently, the FMLA does not require employers to provide leave to care for a same-sex partner or spouse, because federal law does not recognize same-sex relationships. In addition, it is unclear whether, in every instance, the FMLA would cover the child of a same-sex partner or spouse if the employee is not the child’s legal parent. Employers are not mandated by the FMLA to provide an employee leave for the birth and care of a child to which an employee is not a legal parent unless a local court determines it to be so.

Quads with two moms

What it’s all about

Gay dads opting to receive breast milk from surrogate mother

Center Kids – gay parenting through surrogacy

Sarah Jessica Parker surrogacy stories raise false hopes for women

By Jessica Werb
Publish Date: April 30, 2009

News broke recently that 44-year-old Sex and the City actress Sarah Jessica Parker is expecting twin girls with her husband, Matthew Broderick via a surrogate.

Many of the reports state that the twins were conceived using Parker’s previously frozen eggs, and her husband’s sperm.

That raised questions marks in my mind. I wrote a piece awhile back about the growing demand for egg donors, and how images of Hollywood starlets having multiple babies well into their 40s distorts the truth about fertility. The sad reality is, women’s fertility begins to drop off exponentially after the age of 40.

Many of the doctors I spoke to when researching that piece made it clear that successfully freezing eggs and retaining their viability is not yet possible. One doctor, Bellingham IVF & Fertility Care’s director, Dr. Emmett Branigan, told me: “If they [women] are in their 40s with twins, you can almost be assured it’s a donor egg.”

Which raises a couple of questions: Did SJP use donor eggs? Or did she use left over embryos from a previous cycle of in-vitro?

I suppose it’s none of our business, really. But I do wonder why there remains such a cloud of secrecy around the prospect of using donor eggs. It’s as though this is something to be ashamed of.

If those in the public eye, like SJP and others, would start discussing their experiences openly, it would go a long way in helping us confront the many moral and ethical questions that arise with the use of this technology. As women wait longer to start having families, it’s about time there were more openness and public debate and discourse about the issue.

Paths to Parenthood

Adoption – There is nothing like the feeling of helping a child find a loving home.  Whether through public, private or International adoption, gay and lesbian families are embracing children who need homes in growing numbers.  There are many adoption options for you and your family.  We hope that some of these resources are helpful and invite you to share your stories with us at TimeForFamilies.com.

Artificial Insemination (Known Donor or Anonymous Donor) – The decision to have a family is no longer as simple as a turkey baster and a sperm bank.  The increasing number of lesbian couples choosing known donors to assist them is a testament that fact.  Have you thought of asking a friend or relative to assist you and your partner in having a family?  Do you have friends who have a known donor dad?  The first and most important information to obtain is how the law treats these relationships and whether your state will allow your partner to adopt your child.  Check out our known donor counseling page for more information and please feel free to share your story.

IVF – In Vitro Fertilization is commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. When the IVF procedure is successful, the process is combined with a procedure known as embryo transfer, which is used to physically place the embryo in the uterus.  Please see the Physicians page for referral and commentary.

IUI – Intra-Uterine Insemination (also known as artificial insemination) is the process of preparing and delivering sperm so that a highly concentrated amount of active motile sperm is placed directly through the cervix into the uterus.  Please see the Physicians page for referral and commentary.

Surrogacy – Surrogacy is a method of reproduction whereby a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for a contracted party. She may be the child’s genetic mother (the more traditional form of surrogacy), or she may, as a gestational carrier, carry the pregnancy to delivery after having been implanted with an embryo, in some jurisdictions an illegal medical procedure.  Please see the Surrogacy Referrals page for more information.

Thinking about adopting?

With more than 125,000 children adopted per year in the United States alone, and increasing acceptance of same-sex couples as parents, adoption has become a wonderful way to have a family.  Ask any adopted adult and they will tell you of the profound experience that is adoption.

Private Adoption – There are so many private adoption stories to be told and I hope that if you have one, you will share them here on TimeForFamilies.com.  Checking out a non-gay adoption forum may also help you with unanswered questions and give you ideas on how best to proceed.  The first step for many couples seeking to adopt is finding an adoption agency or attorney.  Of the many choices available, I have personally heard favorable comments made about Susan Romer of Adams & Romer and Friends in Adoption.  Resident Bloggers Ricky and Anthony are using Friends in Adoption so if you have a specific question, email Ricky and Anthony for more information.

Public Adoption – Becoming a parent through the foster care system, especially in New York, is a process that has united literally thousands of children with loving families, both same-sex and different sex families.  While the children in the system may be older or harder to place, the state will work with you to find the right match.  Remember to be direct and flexible.  There is always a solution.

International Adoption – Adopting a child from a foreign country will require finding an agency that is not only open to working with gay parents, but has a successful history of placing foreign children in gay households.  The parents will be required to share this information with the foreign country. Religious influence is an absolute consideration, both on a national and agency level.  The culture of the foreign country will often dictate whether or not a gay couple may adopt there.  The solution ultimately may be to adopt as a single parent in the foreign country, then have a second parent adoption in the US.

Second Parent Adoption – The court procedure known as second parent adoption is the only means by which a non-biological parent in a same-sex relationship may create a legal and portably binding relationship with their partner’s biological child. If the couple uses a unknown sperm or ova donor, the child born of such an arrangement will only have one legal parent if that couple is unmarried. Some courts are now recognizing same-sex marriages validly performed in other jurisdictions for the purpose of adding a nonbiological parent’s name to a child’s Birth Certificate, however, other states are not bound to respect that relationship unless there is a Second Parent Adoption.  For more information, visit my Second Parent Adoption page.

Thinking about having a known Donor?

Lesbian moms have more options than ever when planning a family.  The number of couples choosing a known donor over anonymous sperm donation is steadily increasing and the benefits of known donor families are as wonderful as they are complicated.

What should you consider with a known donor?  First, you must know what role you and your partner want to play in your child’s life.  If there isn’t room for anyone else, that is the answer to your question.
However, having more love and support for your child is always a plus and with careful legal and emotional planning, known sperm donation can be the answer to your family planning prayers.  I should know, I am a donor dad and I couldn’t be happier.
Among the many considerations in known donor situations are: decision making authority, legal surrender of parental rights, amount of time each person will have with the child (from infancy to adulthood), financial constributions, emotional makeup of the donor, relatinship status of the donor…  To read my op-ed on being a known donor, click here.
One of my unique legal services is known donor counseling.  If you would like to discuss specific questions to consider before approaching a known donor, please email me today.