As a Gay Woman, I Thought I’d Never Have Kids – but I Was Wrong

We had some challenges, but we got a happy ending.  A lesbian mom journeys toward family.

I’d always wanted a baby or two (or more). For me, a lesbian mom, it just wasn’t a question of if I get pregnant but when. In my daydreams, I’d see myself picking my son and daughter up from the school bus to walk our treelined block until we reached our Colonial-style home. I’d open the gate of the white picket fence, they’d rush in, drop their backpacks and the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies would greet them as they entered.

All of that.

But I’m gay.

When I came out at the age of 16, those fantasies weren’t so realistic anymore. I just didn’t think getting pregnant could happen for me. The desire was still in my heart, but I was unsure if it would — or could — become a reality. I was missing one super obvious and important ingredient in the baby-making process: sperm.

I met my would-be wife when I was 26. On our first date, I told her of my lifelong dream to get pregnant and have kids. She told me she vaguely thought about adopting a child — and only one child. When we got married three years later, I told my wife how quickly I wanted us to try to conceive. She needed longer to settle into the idea. For her, things were moving quickly. Not to mention, we would have to finance the pregnancy.

We started to talk about getting sperm from a known donor versus an unknown donor.

For us, the best option was to go with the recommendation of our friends — fellow lesbians who were either trying to conceive, or who had just finished or had started but had never had a successful pregnancy. They recommended reputable sperm banks long before my wife and I actually ever walked into our reproductive endocrinology clinic. Luckily, our newfound clinic recommended the same sperm bank as our friends, and we eased into the process of searching for a donor. When we were seriously looking, we created a user profile. Doing so, I felt, made the process real to me.

Even so, we still contemplated going with a known donor. We thought, Hey, wouldn’t it be great if our kid could have access to the knowledge of his/her biological make-up? But our doctors reminded us of all of the legal issues which could ensue if our friend (potential known sperm donor) decided he wanted rights to his child. We didn’t want to go to court nor did we want to subject our own mental health or the livelihood of our family to the ramifications of such a decision.

Our decision to go with a donor who chose to be anonymous was our ultimate decision. This meant that any child we conceived in the in vitro process would never get to know his or her biological father. If we went with a known sperm donor from the cryobank, that child would have the legal right to meet him once they reach the age of 18. With my wife being Sri Lankan and I African-American, we knew we wanted a Sri Lankan donor since I’d be the one to carry our child.

Once we decided on the cryobank, we had access to so much information about the sperm donor. We knew his ethnicity, height, weight, and even his astrological sign — all of this information is available before making the expensive purchase of sperm.

Cosmopolitan – By Nikkya Hargrove, Apr 29, 2016

Click here to read the entire article.