My son Charlie was an ordinary man who lived an ordinary life. But to his family and friends, he was extraordinary. The fact that he was gay was only a part of who he was, what was really extraordinary about him was that he was funny, and had a big heart. He was a man that could make you laugh until tears rolled down your face, and when he befriended you, he loved you wholly and completely and his loyalty had no boundaries. Just when Charlie had found someone whom he really loved and wanted to spend his life with, he died rather tragically. One minute this large wonderful man was with us, and the next minute he was gone, leaving this gaping hole in our lives so palpable you could practically fall into it. I was lucky that Tom, Charlie’s boyfriend, was able to share with me that in the hours before the car accident that would take his life, Charlie and him were together talking and kissing and telling each other how lucky they were to have found each other. It gave me great comfort to know that Charlie’s last hours were spent with the man that he really loved, and that Charlie realized he was loved in return. And you know, had he lived, I would have gladly planned his wedding (which would have drove him crazy) and proudly stood up for him at the church as he recited his wedding vows. But I never got the chance. I would give anything for my son to be with me here today and to walk him down the aisle and celebrate the fact that I raised a child that was able to love another person. Life can be hard, and as I learned, life can be very tragic, and if you can find someone who can love you and support you through not only the good times, but the really hard times as well, then you are very, very fortunate. Love between two people, any two people should be celebrated because it really is a miracle that we find each other at all.

There’s a quote that I feel really resonates with my feelings on this: We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.” This is true for everyone, and trust me, this is not just reserved for heterosexual marriage. It’s true for all marriages. When you love someone and decide to commit your life to them, you are saying that you will witness and validate their very existence. To deny any two people this gift is unforgivable.

Elizabeth Grosse
New York

Click here to visit Charlie’s virtual memorial.

Gay City News
By: ANTHONY M. BROWN
04/30/2009

What is it about families? Wars have been fought over them. History has been made because of them. Comedians and therapists have made millions talking about them. But when it all boils down, family makes us who we are, whether standing with them or running from them. And families will bond or break in times of crisis.

My husband Gary’s Aunt Elda is dying. We got her cancer diagnosis a few months ago, but only recently did it hit home that there will be no successful treatment for her ovarian/GI cancer. She had lived outside Gary’s family for many years, in large part due to Chuck, her husband. Chuck was perhaps the most prejudiced, bigoted, intolerant man I had ever met. His willingness to make racist or homophobic statements in Gary’s presence was almost as strong as his love for Elda.

In an ironic twist of fate, Chuck’s mentor, a well-respected and successful businessman named Ralph Thomas, was also my father’s best friend. Chuck would cringe when I would talk about Ralph and his wife in very personal terms, as I saw them often before my father died. On Chuck’s deathbed, everything changed.

Chuck had suffered a series of strokes, the last one leaving him unable to communicate. Gary and I were visiting him in the hospital when I noticed that he was agitated. I knew from my father’s deathbed experience how to shift a person up in the bed by lifting the bed pad placed under the patient and on top of the bed linens. I asked Chuck if he wanted to move up. He blinked his eyes rapidly. Gary and I lifted the pad, and Chuck, successfully up in the bed. As our eyes met, I could swear I saw him crying and with that, a world of misunderstanding and homophobia flew right out the hospital window.

Gary’s father is also enduring a prolonged battle with Parkinson’s disease, which has left him mentally aware, yet also unable to communicate or walk. If he could, he would probably yell. Italians yell, that’s just the way it is. It took me, a Southern WASP with his own built-in issues, years of therapy to realize that Gary’s screaming had more to do with his heritage than anything I may have done. He learned that from his parents.

Even with the Parkinson’s, Gary’s parents yell at each other. It used to bother me, but now either I understand it or I am just used to it. While home over the weekend, we watched the ultimate tearjerker movie, “The Notebook,” based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks. It tells the tale of a man who reads a handwritten story to a woman in a nursing home everyday until she realizes, through her dementia, that it is their love story. For a few minutes, she remembers, then he is a stranger again.

At the conclusion of the movie, Gary’s mom was sitting in Gary’s lap, both crying, and I was holding my father-in-law’s hand, also crying. Tears everywhere. We all hugged each other and, in a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life, Gary’s dad looked into the eyes of his wife of over 60 years and said with unusual clarity, “I didn’t know that this was what you’ve been dealing with. I am sorry.” We all lost it. Gary’s mom replied that she loved him and that she wanted to take care of him. More tears. Gary and I hugged while this exchange occurred, knowing that a gift had just been given to everyone in that room.

Enter Michael, Gary’s older brother, who had been watching this whole emotional experience transpire with his girlfriend Xiao from the other room. Xiao is Chinese and had never met a gay person, much less a gay couple, before dating Michael. They have only been dating for a few months, but things look serious. Michael told me that Xiao had also seen the hug-fest and asked, “How long have Tony and Gary been together?” Michael replied, “Almost 20 years.” Xiao said, “Do you think we will be like that in 20 years?” Michael said, “I hope so.”

Gary and I have become the intimacy role models for the Spino clan of Greensburg, Pennsylvania. Gary’s cousin and life-long friend sought our advice when her marriage was failing. While almost everyone of my in-laws is a devout Catholic, some going to church everyday, Gary and I are still a solid and happy couple in their eyes.

Regardless what people think about their in-laws, there are lessons to be learned from them, joys and sorrows to be experienced because of them. These are the things that only a family can provide and while many on the socially conservative side of the aisle would discount my family, no one can change the fact that I am married to a man with a family that loves and respects both me and my husband. What more could I ask for?

Anthony M. Brown currently heads the Nontraditional Family and Estates Law division of the law firm of McKenna, Siracusano & Chianese and is the executive director of The Wedding Party. He can be reached at Brown@msclaw.net.

“I have a granddaughter, sort of…” As the words left my mother’s mouth I had two distinct reactions: a cold shiver up my spine and a warm realization of just how far LGBT families have come in educating the world about who we really are.

First a little background. I think the cold shiver was, in part, due to whom my mom was talking. She was talking to my sister’s in-law that I had never met before. My husband Gary and I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family this year. Prior to our marriage in July, we always had Thanksgiving at his house and split up to celebrate Christmas with our respective families. After our marriage, we decided that we should be together every holiday, so we are now alternating. My mom told me, right before we left for my sister’s house, that her in-laws “had a problem” with Gary’s and my relationship.

Why is it that I still feel nervous around homophobes? I wasn’t even sure that they were homophobes, I had never met them, but I was still nervous because of what my mother said. Did she think Gary and I were going to spontaneously start some heavy petting right there on the floor? I know that many of us feel this way, and because of that feeling, we stay away from our families at Holiday times. Many of us just don’t want the added aggravation of having to defend our lives to the people who should support them the most.

And by the way, before her stroke, my mom was a vocal advocate for Gary and I. She would speak up to anyone in her small West Virginia town that said something disparaging about gay people. After the stroke, she got a little more tentative about putting herself in awkward situations, but not this time.

How we deal with our relatives is often a mirror of how we deal with our families of choice, our partners and our friends. I am lucky to have a very supportive family, but I am not immune to the word choices and vocal inflections of my mom, or my husband.

The warm feeling in reaction to my mom’s words, however, is the greatest thing in the world. You see; I am a father. I am blessed to have two wonderful friends, a lesbian couple, who were open to creating a family that does not fall into the traditional definition.

While my daughter has only two legal parents, I have surrendered my parental rights to the biological mom’s wife, she has two loving moms and two loving dads and lots of grandparents and so much love that she will never want for affection. Gary and I see my daughter a lot, about once a week. She even slept over with Gary and me the other weekend. Her moms live around the corner and we are becoming closer as friends throughout this whole process. It’s about trust and we are building it everyday.

More and more, gay parents are breaking new ground in the creation of family. Many of us don’t want the sterile and separate feeling that can accompany an unknown egg or sperm donor. All of us want to teach our children about love that is nonjudgmental and respects the lives of all involved. While many in the LGBT community celebrate love without children in the picture, it is a celebration nonetheless. And love is at the center.

I have to give my mother credit. She does have a granddaughter and she was brave enough to tell someone who may have never before heard of such a family. She said it to someone who may have judged my family as wrong somehow. But now, that person cannot ever say again that hers is the only type of family out there. I’ve got to go home for the Holidays more often!

Happiness

Anthony M. Brown