I Got Gay Married. I Got Gay Divorced. I Regret Both.

In 2008, gay marriage was so new, my wife and I had a hard time finding a lawyer to help us legally join our lives together.

In 2013, gay divorce was so new, I had a hard time finding a lawyer to take our marriage apart.

We fell in love in the ’90s, when getting legally married wasn’t something two women could do. We danced in the streets on May 15, 2008, when the California Supreme Court ruled that “an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.”

And we decided to tie the knot ourselves the day before Election Day that year, when it suddenly seemed that California Proposition 8 was going to pass, banning same-sex marriage again.gay marriage

Beneath an arbor of grimy plastic ivy at the Alameda County Clerk-Recorder’s Office, we wept grateful tears as we swore to “love, honor, and keep each other, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.”

Twenty-four hours later, Prop 8 did pass, changing the marital status of 18,000 same-sex California couples from “married” to “who knows?”

Also unknown: why the happiest day of our life together was one of our last happy days. Why nothing we tried — individual and marriage therapy, romantic vacations, trial separations — could fix us.

In 2013 I Googled “gay divorce lawyer” and found only “gay family law” attorneys. I called the one with the best Yelp reviews.

“I need to file for d — ” The word caught in my throat.

In many cities over many years, my wife and I had marched for marriage equality. We’d argued with the haters and we’d argued with the gay people who said that legal marriage would co-opt us, diminish us, turn us into a caricature of “normal” married people. We swore we could enjoy the rights only marriage conferred and still have our gender-fluid commitment ceremonies, our chosen-family configurations, our dexterity at turning friends into lovers and vice versa.

Divorce felt like more than a betrayal of my wedding vows. It was a betrayal of my people and our cause.

“Yours won’t be my first gay divorce,” the lawyer told me, “and I guarantee you, it won’t be my last.”

I asked how long it would take, and what it would cost. He couldn’t give me even a ballpark estimate. The laws were in such flux, he said, that both gay people who wanted to marry and gay people who wanted to divorce were twisting in the shifting winds.

When the lawyer and I had our first, $350-an-hour conversation, same-sex marriage was outlawed in 37 states and legal in 13 (and the District of Columbia). Change was the only constant, and each change increased the time (his) and money (mine) it cost to research its implications.

gay divorceMy case had a bonus complication. In 1999, before real marriage was available to us, my wife and I had registered as California domestic partners. Did we need a separate legal process to end that partnership? No one was sure.

I mailed the lawyer a big deposit. He emailed me a big stack of documents. On the first page, there it was: my wife’s name, right next to mine. The thrill of that triumph, of being a gay person with the legal recognition of a straight person, ran through me as it always had. Then I remembered that I was seeing it for the last time.

As the process unfolded over the next several months, I couldn’t help comparing my second divorce with my first, in 1983, from the father of my kids. That’s the one that should have been complicated. Like most straight married couples, my husband and I owned our stuff jointly — one bank account, two cars, one ranch house and everything in it. Most wrenchingly, we had two little boys whom neither of us could imagine living without for even a day. Yet our divorce, our property division and our custody agreement were all ironed out in a few meetings with a paralegal, whose services cost less than $1,000.

Like most early same-sex-marriage adopters, my wife and I had intermingled our hearts and lives but kept our finances and property separate. And yet I was in for a much longer, costlier contest.

On June 26, 2013, the Supreme Court nullified the Defense of Marriage Act, granting federal benefits to all current same-sex marriages. Six months, dozens of notarized documents and many thousands of dollars into the process of getting divorced, because we hadn’t yet officially filed, my soon-to-be ex-wife and I were more married than ever.

New York Times – January 7, 2017 – by Meredith Maran

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in Family Stories / Legal / Personal Stories  by Anthony Brown 0 comments

Meet the Soon-to-Be 1st Trans Parents in South America

LGBT activist Diane Rodriguez and her boyfriend Fernando Machado are an Ecuadorian couple who are set to become South America’s first-known transgender parents. They recently announced their pregnancy which has received much support for the couple.trans couple

Rodriguez wrote in a Facebook post: “I’m going to be a mum, my boyfriend Fernando Machado is pregnant with me. After having spoken with my family, people who are very close to my life and social environment, I wish to make public one of the news that I think is the most important in my life and that of my partner, Fernando Machado.”

She added that she understood that the announcement would receive comments in favor and against the happy news, however, she believes the news is important for society to change and is something wonderful for her and her boyfriend to celebrate: “But as an activist and transsexual woman committed to a process of profound social transformation , I believe that public opinion must know this wonderful news : Fernando Machado and Diane Rodriguez will be mom and dad.”

Click here to read the entire article.

thenextfamily.com By Alex Temblador

in Family Stories / International / Parenting / Personal Stories  by Anthony Brown 2 comments

ALEC MAPA AND JAMIE HEBERT: FAME, FAMILY, AND FOSTER CARE

“I was booked to perform at one of her R Family Vacations cruises in 2007,” recalls actor Alec Mapa, telling Gays With Kids that he and husband Jamie Hebert were surrounded by so many LGBT families that they just knew fatherhood was in the cards for them, too.

“I met a social worker on the ship specializing in helping LGBT families find foster-adopt placement,” Mapa continues, describing how he got her card and promptly lost it back on land in the junk drawer that is his garage. What happened next was kismet.

“So, when I was finally ready to call this woman, I realized that card was in a box somewhere in that garage! And I reached into a box, and the first thing I touched on was that card. We went to meet her at the Extraordinary Families agency, we took the foster-adopt courses … and nine months later we had a kid living in our house.”alec mapa

If you don’t know “America’s Favorite Gaysian,” you know his face: Mapa’s resume is catalog of critically-acclaimed comedy, from “Desperate Housewives” and “Ugly Betty” (where he played the hyperkinetic Suzuki St. Pierre) to “Devious Maids” and “The Gossip Queens.” He met producer Hebert on the set of his one-man show “Drama” in 2002 and the two have been an item ever since, marrying in 2008.

But this journey to fatherhood differs from most. When Zion came into their lives, he was the kind of kid most prospective parents don’t touch: He was African-American, he was a boy, and, at age five, he was old. Moreover, he was a foster-child, meaning his birthmother had not yet signed away her parental rights. To top it off, he had already been placed with four other families before Alec and Jamie got a hold of him.

“And were like, ‘This is our kid! We’re not giving him back!’” Mapa, 51, laughs. “Three months into our foster placement, he had the TPR — termination of parental rights — and nine months later, he was ours!”

Foster care and adoption are two different legal animals. The latter completely and permanently signs over the rights and responsibilities of the child from the birthparents to the adoptive parents. The child takes the surname of their new family and loses all automatic rights of inheritance with the old. A foster child can, and often does, maintain ties with their biological family even while in the care of another, and the biological parents have the final legal say in decisions concerning their child. Additionally, fostering lacks the permanency of adoption; children often shuffle from one foster family to another until they reach the age of 18, whereupon they are effectively cut loose.

For all the good intentions, it is no secret American foster care is overburdened, with up to 250,000 children entering yearly. It’s not all doom and gloom; 33 percent are back with their families within 11 months, and only seven percent of foster kids remain in care for more than five years. However, the longer a child stays in, the harder it is to get out. Chances for permanent placement drop drastically for children over five, siblings, children of color, and for self-identified LGBTQ youth. Some leave the system only after “aging out” of it, and can face the possibility of being family-less.

“The children in foster care deserve better,” says Rich Valenza, founder and CEO of Raise A Child, Inc., a foster-adopt advocacy and education resource for prospective LGBTQ parents (and for which Mapa is now a spokesperson). “Given the numbers, the solution to the foster care crisis is within reach and the answer is right here within the LGBT community.”

The numbers to which Valenza refers come from a 2013 study conducted by the Williams Institute, a think tank at UCLA Law, confirming no significant difference in children raised by straight and LGBTQ parents, and stated two million gay, lesbian, and bisexual people express an interest in foster parenting. That number dwarfs the 400,000 children in the American foster care system, 104,000 of whom are available for adoption as of this writing.

Adds Mapa, “When we were talking about adoption, I wanted a baby. And when we met Zion, he was five and that was a baby. When you are five, you still need your mommy, you still need your daddy. Or two guys with a really cute house!”

by GaysWithKids.com, August 1, 2016

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in Family Stories / Foster / Foster Care / Parenting / Personal Stories  by Anthony Brown 2 comments

Why seeing my gay son enter parenthood with twins made our relationship stronger

Early last month, my husband and I became grandparents for the first time, when my son and his husband became the fathers of twins.

There is a plethora of options for a gay couple to explore when they are considering parenthood. Adoption? Co-parenting? Surrogacy? Who will donate the egg and/or sperm? What are the legalities? And where do you even start such a process?

I am so very grateful — perhaps relieved is a better word — that my son and his husband live in a city with a large LGBTQ population. This has meant that from the moment they knew they wanted to become parents, they had access to a wealth of knowledge and experience. This is knowledge and experience that my husband and I, for lack of personal experience, simply couldn’t help them with.

The conversations I had with my son and son-in-law while they were taking their Daddies & Papas 2B program at a local LGBTQ community centre in downtown Toronto were some of most intimate and emotional conversations I have ever had with him. The roles in our relationship were completely reversed: the child was teaching the parent.Twins

It was a special time in my relationship with my son, and I will always cherish it.

You know who was even happier than John and me about the thought of babies? Our own parents. My father lived long enough to see my son marry the man he loved, but never knew that he would be the first of our three boys to have children. Still, the twins now have three great-grandparents who are healthy, and so very proud to talk about — and advocate for — gay marriage and same-sex parenthood.

I got to watch my mother hold a newborn girl named after her, and her great-grandson, named for my son’s grandfather-in-law. She marvelled at their perfection, and talked about the modern miracle of these babies’ conception and births through the egg donation of my son-in-law’s sister, and the generosity of a surrogate mother who carried the twins healthily to term. It was one of the most perfect moments in my life.

Sharing love. Sharing challenges. Supporting one another. Sharing wonder. This is how we family.

My grandchildren were born in June, which also happens to be Pride Month. What will they know of the struggles that brought us to the place where their daddies could be legally married? Will they know why, when PFLAG – the national organization to help with issues of sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression – walks down Yonge Street during the Pride Parade in Toronto, men and women who are watching the parade from the sidewalk hold each other and sob?

My grandchildren are the son and daughter of two men who love each other so much that they were willing to take on the challenge of creating a family of their own in a world where that can be difficult, and resistant to such a thing. Financially, it is overwhelming. The legal paperwork is daunting. The persistence, the determination, the multitude of conversations, considerations and decisions that they tackled to get to parenthood makes me hopeful for their children. These babies are so wanted, and so deeply loved.

The day the twins were born, at around five in the evening, my husband and I assumed new roles. Since then I’ve been thinking of all of the books I’ll read to the children, and the songs we’ll sing. I’ll teach them to bake their father’s favourite cookies. I’ll take them to Young People’s Theatre. We’ll hike and we’ll bike. My husband is building special kid-friendly farm scenes into his model train set. In other words, we’ll become like any other loving grandparents who hope to do right by their children’s children — with one particular difference.

One Saturday night earlier this month, a gunman walked into a nightclub in Orlando, Fla., reminding us that the world is still a dangerous place for LGBTQ people, and for the people who love them.

He reminded me that as a mother, as a grandmother, and most basically as a human being, I have a responsibility to fight homophobia and transphobia.

Of course I am an ally — but in order to call myself an ally I have to be an active one. In doing things like walking with PFLAG in Toronto’s annual Pride Parade and in writing about my family, I am taking a stand for my son and his husband. I am vocally supporting all of the same- sex marriages and partnerships and the “gayby babies” that may result from those relationships.

June 29, 2016 by Patti Paddle, TVO.org

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in Family Stories / Personal Stories / Surrogacy  by Anthony Brown 2 comments

SCOTUS same-sex marriage ruling has allowed kids to have 2 legal parents, more stable homes and futures

When gay marriage became the law of the land last summer, Lin Quenzer and Barbara Baier were one of numerous gay couples in Nebraska eager to wed.

However, after 27 years together, a wedding cake and a marriage certificate weren’t their top priority. It was their son. They needed to wed to ensure their teenager would be legally bound to both parents for a lifetime and beyond — from every form that required a parental signature to each woman’s last will and testament.

After their summer wedding, the couple’s attorney immediately began drawing up adoption papers. A little over three months later, Robert Quenzer-Baier, then 15, was legally recognized as Quenzer’s son.

“He cried, we cried. We took pictures. It just meant the world to him. … He said ‘Nothing can take us apart now,’ ” recalled Quenzer, who is the Lincoln city ombudsman.

It was exactly a year ago today that the U.S. Supreme Court issued its historic same-sex marriage ruling, known as Obergefell v. Hodges. The ruling ended decades of debate and one of the biggest culture wars in America. It gave every gay couple in all 50 states the right to walk down the aisle.

But, as Quenzer’s adoption proceeding showed, the ruling had implications far beyond marriage. One of its greatest impacts was on the children of same-sex couples, many of whom were legally tied to only one parent because states such as Nebraska prohibited unmarried couples from adopting a child together.

Nebraska was one of the 13 states that did not allow gay marriage when the high court ruling came down. It had been legalized in the nation’s other states through a patchwork of court or legislative actions. In neighboring Iowa, for example, gay marriage had been legal since 2009 because of an Iowa Supreme Court decision.

On the day of the ruling, some Nebraska couples rushed to their local county clerk’s offices to secure marriage licenses. For a few days, gay marriage ceremonies were a novelty on the wedding circuit.

Some people continue to oppose such unions. But for many people — especially among the nation’s younger generation — same-sex marriages have become an accepted fact of life.

It is hard to know exactly how many same-sex couples married in the wake of the court ruling. States like Nebraska do not keep statistics for gay or straight marriages.

In Douglas County, workers in the County Clerk’s Office kept track of the number of same-sex unions for about the first six months. After that, they stopped.marriage equality

“It’s kind of amazing that, once it happened, it’s really just like any other couple,” said County Clerk Dan Esch. No one in his office even bats an eye these days.

However, Esch and his staff did go back and come up with a tally in anticipation of today’s anniversary. Over the past year, through June 13, the county had issued 173 same-sex marriage licenses — just a fraction of the nearly 4,000 marriage licenses issued overall in Douglas County during that time period.

Nationwide it is estimated there have been 123,000 same-sex marriages since the ruling, according to a Gallup survey.

Last year’s court decision hasn’t ended the nation’s culture wars, of course. But today’s battles are more about what’s happening in bathrooms and bakeries than in bedrooms and courthouses.

Laws have been introduced over the past year that would, among other things, compel transgender people to use the bathroom that conforms with their gender at birth or protect bakers from having to make a cake for a same-sex union.

“The fight to preserve religious liberty is the first critical battle of the post-Obergefell era,” according to a report filed this past week by the Family Leader, an Iowa organization that opposes same-sex marriage.

The gay community sees the baker and bathroom debates as “manufactured” fights so that anti-gay groups can remain relevant, now that the high court has settled the marriage debate. “It’s the last gasp of the dying beast. They’re grabbing for things,” said Donna Red Wing, executive director of One Iowa, an LGBT rights advocacy organization in Iowa.

As with same-sex marriage statistics, it is hard to know exactly how many children have been adopted by same-sex couples since the ruling. Adoptions are done by individual courts, which do not keep track.

However, several lawyers in Nebraska said they have worked with same-sex couples eager to adopt their son or daughter in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court ruling.

“I’ve personally worked on eight to 10 step-parent adoptions, where the same-sex spouse has been able to adopt children who for all intents and purposes was that person’s child,” said Susan Sapp, a Lincoln attorney. “They were very relieved. Whether you agree or disagree with the marriage decision, there were existing families where children didn’t have legal stability.”

In states such as Nebraska, these families that were created with the help of sperm donors, single-parent adoption or other procreation routes were in legal limbo. The state did not allow non-married couples to adopt children. Given the state’s ban on same-sex marriages, that policy was essentially a ban on gay adoptions as well.

That meant that children of these unions did not have all the same protections afforded to other children. In the event of a parent’s death, the child was not legally viewed as an heir to the non-legal parent. And the non-legal parent had no inherent right to the child. In the event of a separation, one parent could deny — or attempt to deny — visitation to the other. Or one of the two parents could walk away without being responsible for child support.

There were few legal guarantees afforded to such families.

June 26, 2016

By Robynn Tysver / World-Herald staff writer – Omaha.com

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in Family Stories / Legal / Parenting / Recently Added  by Anthony Brown 1 comments

A Perfect Father’s Day: MHB Puts Surrogacy Within Reach

Men Having Babies, MHB, started back in 2005 as a “peer support network for biological gay fathers and fathers-to-be,” according to the group’s website.

 

“We were heartbroken.”

“We just figured it wasn’t going to happen for us.”

“We spent everything — all of our savings — over nine years.”

“We took one look at the price tag, and figured it wasn’t within reach.”

These are the statements of two couples — Jay and Victor, and Daniel and Ricardo — who, at one point or another, came close to giving up on their hopes to become fathers.

It’s frustrations such as these, which are unfortunately all too commonly heard from would-be gay fathers, that prompted a group of gay men to form “Men Having Babies” or MHB,  a resource organization to help prospective gay dads navigate the often-troubled waters of surrogacy.

The organization started back in 2005 as a “peer support network for biological gay fathers and fathers-to-be,” according to the group’s website. Originally, the group operated as a small program out of New York City’s LGBT Community Center. In 2012, however, it morphed into a standalone non-profit organization, and has since expanded to offer workshops and seminars for gay men interested in becoming biological fathers from cities ranging from Los Angeles to Tel Aviv.MHB, gpap

While many other resource organizations exist to help LGBT parents, MHB is, to their knowledge, the only of its kind focused on easing the considerable financial burden of surrogacy for prospective gay fathers — the average cost of which is roughly $120,000.

“There are a dozen or so foundations that provide financial assistance to infertile people,” said Ron Poole-Dayan, the executive director and founding member of MHB, “but none offer to help to gay men, even though they need substantial third party assistance in order to become parents.”

Ron pointed out that as a category, gay men can face more obstacles in their quests to become parents than others. “These include biological, legal, and social constraints, as well as significantly higher financial costs.”

One of the main aspects of the organization’s mission, then, is to promote the affordability of surrogacy. It’s a cause close to the hearts of all those involved with MHB. According to A.J. Edge, the director of operation and finance for MHB, all of the organization’s board members have previously gone through their own surrogacy processes.

“They know that surrogacy is not something that’s open to anyone,” A.J. said. “And that it can be overwhelming and daunting — so that’s why GPAP was born.”

MHB created GPAP — or the Gay Parenting Assistance Program — to assist prospective gay parents who cannot afford the full cost of biological parenting on their own. The program is split into two “stages.” Those approved for Stage 1 become eligible for substantial discounts off the cost of surrogacy services from dozens of leading service providers. Stage II assistance, though more selective, is even more comprehensive — those accepted are provided with direct cash grants and free services to cover a considerable portion of the cost of surrogacy.

“In the last two years, more than 300 couples became eligible for substantial discounts off the cost of surrogacy services,” said Ron Poole-Dayan, the executive director of MHB, “and more than 40 couples have received direct financial assistance, including grants and free services. Ten babies were already born to Stage II couples, and many more are on their way.”

Without this type of assistance, the cost of surrogacy can be prohibitively expensive for many gay dads, or at least those who don’t happen to have an extra $120,000 hiding under their mattresses.

This sticker price was enough to deter Jay Todd and Victor Gonzalez, a couple of 17 years, when they took their first steps towards becoming fathers five years ago.

“We thought you needed to be like Elton John to have kids through surrogacy,” Jay joked. “It just seemed out of reach for most families — like such a fantasy.”

So instead, the couple first tried to adopt, a process that proved to be more emotionally fraught and expensive than they had hoped. “We spent thousands of dollars,” Jay said, “and it was very emotionally difficult time for everyone involved.” The couple came close to completing an adoption a couple of times — once with a child in Indiana, and a second time with a sibling group in Colombia — but neither worked out in the end.

The couple stresses that they have no regrets, and wish nothing but the best for the birth parents and their children. Still, the experience left them emotionally exhausted, and they decided to sideline their dream of becoming fathers. “We had to give up,” Jay admitted. “We just figured it wasn’t going to happen for us.”

Then, the couple learned about GPAP, and were approved for Stage I assistance. “We got substantial discounts from Simply Surrogacy and CT Fertility,” Jay said. “It probably saved us around $10,000.”

June 19, 2016 via Gayswithkids.com

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in Family Stories / International / Personal Stories / Surrogacy / Uncategorized  by Anthony Brown 1 comments

FAMILIES OF CHOICE SERIES Anna and Kaya

Families of choice can provide increased connection, security and joy to the lives of LGBTQ people. Our in-depth look at families of choice across our communities continues this week with Anna DeShawn and Kaya Powell. Anna and Kaya, engaged to be married in 2017, are both active in a number of LGBTQ community organizations. In their first interview as a couple, Anna and Kaya share with Windy City Times their experiences of families of choice.

Interviewee names: Anna DeShawn, Kaya Powell

Ages: 32, 38 respectively

Relationship Status: Engaged

Neighborhood: Bronzeville

Activities :

—Anna: Owner and Operator of E3 Radio; www.e3radio.org

—Affinity Community Services Board Member; http://affinity95.org/acscontent

—Kaya: Project Curve Appeal; http://pinkcitycorp.com/pink-city-corp/project-curve-appeal.

—Kaya’s Creations, Co-Owner Drinks By A Diva

Windy City Times: What is your definition of family?

Anna DeShawn: Family to me are persons who care and love you for exactly who you are. Using the word unconditional is a figment of our imagination, there’s conditions on everybody’s love to an extent, but it’s people who you can absolutely depend on.

Kaya Powell: I concur, I feel like that is the same definition for me. It doesn’t have to be your blood family. A person who is there when times are rough as well as when times are good, I would call that person family.families of choice

WCT: By your definition of family, who is in that inner circle?

KP: For me, that number is really really small, only a handful. They’ve been there when I need them, in my corner, pushing me to do better for myself. That number only consists of one blood related person.

AD: It’s probably five or six people. I can trust them and if I need anything I know I can call them up and they’d be right here.

WCT: Kaya, could you speak to why your inner circle is mostly family of choice?

KP: I love my family, but I don’t share as much with them. I share more with outside individuals because I know they are non-judgmental, don’t say things that eventually get back to me. I know they will be there for me, more than my own family.

WCT: What are the needs family of choice fulfill in your life?

AD: For me, its 100-percent acceptance and no judgment. I have no doubt in my mind that my family of origin loves me, but at the same time they all have their own hangups about my sexuality. It doesn’t play out in every scenario, but there is a boundary that I know exists. As I get older, I don’t always feel like having a conversation, I just want to show up and have a good time and we all love each other for where we’re at. With my friends there’s nothing extra, other than just me showing up.

WCT: In your family of origin are you sometimes the gay spokesperson?

AD: Oh yeah, when I came out it was so funny, they meant well but I got two copies of Brokeback Mountain! [Hearty laughter] My sister gave me one and my aunt mailed one from Arizona, it was crazy but I know they were trying.

I equate it to being Black in a lot of ways; there’s a certain understanding we have as people of color. When you are a person who lives at the intersections of being Black, a woman and being queer, if people don’t know how to deal with you on your levels, then you tend to be the spokesperson on any of those three identities. With my family of choice we don’t need that, we all know what we are going through every day.

WCT: Kaya, can you speak to the needs you have that are met by family of choice?

KP: Family of choice accepts me for who I am, I don’t have to explain anything. It was an eye opener for my blood family when I came out, even though there were other stud females in my family. I was femme and they didn’t understand. I feel like I’m too old to have to explain what I like. I choose not to be around them because I don’t want the stares, or looks, or whispers. With family of choice I don’t have to deal with that, we accept each other as we are.

WCT: Is everyone of your family of choice LGBTQ-identified?

AD: Yes, pretty much. And all around the same age, and people of color. There’s some older folks because of Kaya, you know. [Both laugh.]

KP: I could say [there are] some infants! [Laughs continue]

WCT: How have you created family of choice as a couple?

KP: We were introduced by a mutual friend, Brandee, who has since become my family, and her wife Dionne is Anna’s buddy. We came together with a few other individuals around the same time. I find that interesting. We recently met someone who is a stud lesbian in the lifestyle and she has become our nephew.

AD: I know it’s rare for it to unfold that way with Brandee and Dionne. I work with Brandee on the radio and she’s my radio wife, we’ve been doing that since before Kaya and I. At a very basic level, it’s a true blessing everyone gets along. E3 Radio is my passion, so it would be difficult if it hadn’t worked out that way.

WCT: What attracted you to each other?

AD: She had her own life. I could never have someone who is just waiting at home for me, it causes animosity and jealousy. She had her own friends, and life. We were able to bring those together and it’s awesome. It’s been surprising, but that’s how I knew it was right.

KP: Yep!

in Family Stories / Parenting / Personal Stories  by Anthony Brown 1 comments

Meet One of China’s 1st LGBT Couples to Use Assisted Reproduction

Rui Cai and Cleo Wu recently became mothers to twins, placing them among the LGBT parent minority in China. They are also one of the first couples in China to use assisted reproduction to have children.

Their story is amazing since same-sex marriage is still outlawed in China and only heterosexual couples can use assisted reproduction to have children.

 

Cai and Wu found a sperm donor in a US sperm bank. Cai was inseminated with two of Wu’s eggs and the sperm donor’s sperm in a clinic in Portland, Oregon. After returning to China, the couple had their twins in a private hospital in Beijing.anonymous sperm donors

For many LGBT persons in China, it can be difficult to come out to their parents, much less have a family. Cai and Wu were lucky enough to have their parents accept their sexuality.

Cai told NPR, “They think it’s OK for us to choose this homosexual lifestyle. But we’ve got to have offspring. It’s a compromise or a precondition we must meet for them to accept our lifestyle.”

Though their’s is a happy story of family acceptance, Cai and Wu will face some hurdles in the near future such as obtaining proper documentation for their children, like government ID cards, and registering their twins with a school.

“To have a child is really a personal right, is a human right,” Xu says. “But then you have to have permission from the state. It might be difficult for non-Chinese people to imagine or understand this situation, but this is the reality we face.”

May 25, 2016, TheNextFamily.com

Click here to read the entire story.

in Assisted Reproductive Technology / Family Stories / International / Legal / Parenting / Personal Stories  by Anthony Brown 0 comments

Adopting in the US has more heartache than you’d imagine

Mike Anderson and his husband, Jeff Binder, endured a difficult adoption of daughter Annika, and missed out on a second child.

“Kidz Bop” children’s music producer Mike Anderson, 42, and his husband, TV’s “Damages” and Broadway actor Jeff Binder, 45, longed to start a family, but adopting a child in the US proved to be more difficult than they ever imagined. Here, Mike tells The Post’s Jane Ridley about their epic adoption missions, which resulted in both joy and heartache.

Blowing out the candle on her birthday cupcake last Saturday, our beautiful daughter Annika clapped her hands with delight.

My husband, Jeff, and I could hardly believe it’s been four years since she officially became ours at 2 days old — especially since adopting her was a nerve-racking roller coaster of emotions.

Jeff and I first discussed having kids before we got married in December 2008. For me, part of coming to terms with being gay had been mourning the loss of my chance to have children. When Jeff suggested we do the same as our friends who had adopted or hired surrogates, I came to see how realistic it was. Being dads was an exciting prospect.

But it wasn’t until we’d moved from Inwood to Rhinebeck, NY, that we researched the subject properly, and rejected the idea of surrogacy because of the cost — about $120,000. We started down the adoption route in August 2011. We wanted a newborn, and we thought our chances were better domestically.

For many couples, it takes years to bring a baby home, but for us, it happened pretty fast. We hired Manhattan attorney Suzanne Nichols and were approved by the New York State Adoption Service in February 2012.

Next, we hired an adoption facilitator named Heidi, who helped draft our ad. “Broadway actor and children’s music producer yearn for miracle baby,” it read. It was Hallmark cheesy, but Heidi told us it would appeal to the demographic we were targeting.

We placed the ad in the PennySaver in so-called “adoption-friendly” states like Arizona, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Florida and Wyoming. There, the birth mother has less time to change her mind. In states such as New York, the window is as long as 45 days after giving birth.

Heidi answered all the calls we got on an 800 number and, if she thought they were legit, I did the follow-up. She told us to treat every potential mother as The One, even if you’re juggling more than one at the same time.new york adoption, new york state adoption, adoption New York

They were all hard-luck stories, including an older mom who got pregnant by her friend’s son. Then along came Stephanie*, a 32-year-old mother from Lafayette, La., reaching out on behalf of her daughter, Deana*. The 14-year-old had hidden her pregnancy for seven months after meeting a boy at a party. Most of our dealings were done through Stephanie — we spoke to Deana occasionally but she was quiet and didn’t say much. “We want to give up the baby for adoption,” Stephanie assured us over the phone several times. “Deana just can’t be raising a baby at this point.”

There are strict rules about what you can and can’t pay for when you’re adopting. You can provide the mother with money toward groceries, transportation and housing. But, to be honest, we felt like Stephanie played us a little because she thought we were wealthy.

We ended up buying the family a $4,000 trailer to live in because they were moving to Cocoa, Fla., as well as their monthly land-rent of $900 and a $2,500 truck. Groceries were about $120 a week, and we hired a doula to assist with the birth for about $2,000. Stephanie even called and said, “Deana wants a kitten. Will you buy her one?” Our lawyer advised us not to because it could get us into trouble. In total, the whole adoption process cost us $60,000.

I had a strong feeling that it was all going to fall apart, but we pressed ahead.

Meanwhile, we’d found another birth mom, a 16-year-old from Germantown, Md., who was due three months after Deana. We figured that, if everything worked out, we’d pretty much have the equivalent of twins.

Click here to read the entire article.

May 12, 2016 by Jane Ridley, New York Post

in Adoption / Family Stories / Parenting / Personal Stories  by Anthony Brown 0 comments

Lesbian Family, Megan and Candice Berrett, does Epic Gender Reveal for Second Baby

Thank you to Megan and Candice Berret for sharing your story in such a wonderful way.

Megan and Candice Berrett reveal the gender of their new baby with Beyonce’s ‘Who Run the World.’

Thank you to Megan and Candice Berrett for sharing your story in such a wonderful way.

Please watch to the end and I guarantee that you’ll be dancing and smiling along with the GIRLS!  This creative gender reveal shows exactly why our children grow up as happy and loved as children from non-gay families.

If you have a creative gender reveal video you’d like to share, send it to Anthony@timeforfamilies.com or visit my contact me page and I’ll post it on my site.   Good luck Megan and Candice Berrett with you new…???

 

 

 

 

in Family Stories / Parenting / Personal Stories / Videos  by Anthony Brown 0 comments